Embarrassing jerk off

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A reminder that you should always make sure that your door is locked. While in the heat of things my grandmother busts through the door to tell me that dinner is ready. I guess she drew the conclusion that I was only naked because of the heat and apologized that it was so hot in the house, and that the repairman was going to be there shortly. Either way, that dinner was very awkward, and I learned that masturbation was best left for the bedroom and during times when you were safe from interruptions. Two hours and a bottle of wine later my vagina was on fire, and I'm pretty sure my vulva shudders to this day if Flamin' Hot Cheetos are present.

When you break down masturbation to its basic elements—privacy, a little bit of inspiration, some elbow grease, and hopefully a modest cleanup routine—there's obviously nothing to be embarrassed about. As something of a public service, VICE asked several self-identified self-pleasurers to share their most embarrassing masturbation stories. Because whether or not you consider yourself skilled in the area of dialing the rotary phone, shakin' the bacon, or whatever euphemism you prefer, you probably didn't start out as a masturbatory pro.

Start out with some backstory: I'm early 20s out of school who has been working as a credit analyst at a CB in the midwest for less than a year. I'm currently on a test cycle because I've been lifting for a while and wanted to take it to the next level not a meathead and I don't look obnoxious. Today I was caught masturbating in my firm's bathroom by a VP. It's a single person bathroom and I forgot to lock the door.